What went wrong? After a relationship ends–whether it’s a twenty-year marriage or a promising romance that proves to be disappointingly fleeting–women ask this question, again and again. They ask themselves, their girlfriends, their therapists.

Here, we will take on the issues that divide so many couples–and provide new hope for greater understanding in the future. The issues include, the fear of commitment, the ghosts of past relationships, the midlife crisis, competition with in-laws, waiting for the perfect lover, the fantasy woman, women who can’t be satisfied * the repetition compulsion, the other woman, the need for adventure and growth, the need to control and daring to love again.

Learn, in a men’s words and perspectives, the varied reasons that relationships fall apart–and gain insight  into what can, and cannot, be fixed.

From A Man’s Perspective

I’m about to tell you something about love that tons of men are going to be angry at me for telling you. I’ll be “letting the cat out of the bag” with what lots of men REALLY think and feel when it comes to lasting love and relationships. And why they’re so often afraid of them, or just bad at being in one.

But let me ask you first

Have you ever been in love?

I’m not talking about the “obsessive psycho can’t stop calling him jealous of his girlfriend think you’re getting married and he barely knows your name” love.

Sorry, you’re on your own there…

There’s a term for this – a “bunny-boiler” like in that movie Fatal Attraction. No, that’s NOT the love I’m talking about. I’m talking about the kind of love where you and a man connect and feel for each other on such a deep level that it’s shared in all kinds of generous and intense ways.

And did you know there’s a secret to love?

A secret that can help a man get rid of his fears of commitment and turn around his inability to share his affection and deeper feelings with you? Well, there is.

I’ll get to exactly what the secret is later in this article.

But think about this…

The reality is, most people have no real-world idea of how love is encouraged, begins, evolves, and sometimes fades away. We just know how it makes us feel andthat we really want it. I might sound cynical, but I think that how most people react to the other person in their love life is more like an “emotional stop light” than anything else.

Stop. (red)

Slow down or speed up. (yellow)

Go. (green)

But our feelings, motivations and “inner-psychology” aren’t wired this way. When it comes to love and its complex effect on our mind and body, there’s a whole lot more to it. So using the behavioral and emotional equivalent of a stop light isn’t going to cut it when you’re looking to create a loving and lasting situation.

Here’s where I’m going with this…

If you take the time to learn about what love actually is to our minds and bodies, and more specifically how men perceive and experience love, then your odds of success (happiness and fulfillment) go WAY up. So let’s get started.

THE MAGIC OF THE “HONEYMOON STAGE”

There are a few stages to love. The first, and by far the favorite, is the honeymoon stage we all know about. As I see it, the honeymoon stage is basically 50 to 100 times LESS important than any other stage because it’s where all relationships start and thrive. But a majority of relationships start falling apart or end once the honeymoon is over. For lots of couples, love starts out as an intense “can’t-be-apart-stay-up-all- night-talking-and-touching” experience. When you’re in love, you probably think about the guy ALL the time and want to spend every possible moment with him. And you and your guy share an intense connection. The chemistry’s so thick you could cut it with a knife.

And the world, people, colors, smells…everything seems brighter. The attraction level is unbelievable. The honeymoon stage does some crazy things to your body too. Here’s a few of the “Love symptoms” that come with these chemicals in the honeymoon stage:

-heightened awareness (your senses)
-reduced appetite
-increased heart rate
-increased energy level
-an increase in your sex drive
-feelings of euphoria (intense happiness)

Actually, I feeling this way right after my third cup of coffee at Starbucks. Anyways… So that’s the first stage of love we all know about, want to be in and want to keep going. It’s no wonder that the honeymoon stage is often the easy part. But there’s a simple and unpleasant fact about the honeymoon stage. If you don’t what’s going on with a man in each stage of love, and know what you’re doing and how he perceives it, all the great parts of the honeymoon stage won’t last forever.

WHAT MEN THINK ONCE THE HONEYMOON IS OVER

I get emails everyday from women wanting to know how they can “get back” to where things were when things started with a man. They remember how things used to be and wonder why they can’t be that way now. So they ask themselves…

“Why is he so distant?”

“Why doesn’t he share his feelings anymore?”

“Why don’t I feel close to him, and why am I not getting my emotional and other needs met like I used to?”

So why is this is so common to so many women? I’ve recognized what a big part of it is.

CHANGE.

When things are good, or more to the point comfortable or predictable in our lives, men DON’T like the idea of change … at all. In any relationship, after the initial attraction, mystery, intrigue, etc. passes and the honeymoon slows, guess what? Things start to change inside a relationship. Whether you like it, or not.

And both the man and the woman are responsible to know how to see it, think about it and deal with it. And here’s where TONS of women run into a whole set of COUNTERPRODUCTIVE thoughts and SELF-DESTRUCTIVE behaviors. They get caught up in an almost hopeless battle to try and prolong the honeymoon stage and the ease by which they could connect and share with the man.

Especially when they don’t see that the man is noticing or making the same effort they are. This usually shows up with things like the following (tell me if any of these sound familiar?):

-Noticing that a man isn’t as attentive or affectionate anymore, so you pull back to see if he’ll notice and close the gap, but he doesn’t and so you withdraw, leaving nothing but distance between you two

-Trying to CONVINCE a man to FEEL some way or act some way he used to or you want him to, which of course doesn’t work because you can’t “logically” make someone FEEL an EMOTION, and it all ends up backfiring as he sees you as needy or “nagging” and pulls away more

-You start “trading” him for the normal caring things any couple should do for each other. You only act open or affectionate if he does something first. You only initiate things physically if he does something first, etc. The list goes on…

Recognize anything here?

Well, these unfortunately common behaviors actually work as a special high-grade form of “man-repellent” in a relationship. When men sense the emotionally uneasy feeling these create, they most often do one thing with a woman …

WITHDRAW.

And they start their own weird emotional versions of the same kinds of destructive and distance-creating behaviors. The truth is, every woman is going to go through situations that are going to make her want to react in these COUNTERPRODUCTIVE way. But there’s a better way.

THE DANGEROUS SECRET OF MEN IN LOVE

So what comes after the honeymoon stage? And how can a woman stay close and connected with a man so they both transition into the next stage together and enjoy it? And why do so many relationships fall flat during this time? The next stage in our emotional love cycle is what scientists have called the “bonding stage”. This second set of feelings and experiences are the “settle-down-raise-a-family-spend-time-cuddling-watch-movies-together” ones. They’re all about bonding, attachment, comfort and more long term stuff.

And, I’ve been thinking about one big important question that I know tons of women want to know about which relates to all this. We all know that lots of men can have a hard time staying connected and close to a woman after the honeymoon. When the intense physical attraction changes and things become more “emotionally involved”.
Lots of times they’ll become, distant, boring, dispassionate, lazy, or ever worse …

Unfaithful. Yikes!

With all this going on, the question is… *Once you have love, how do you make it last? Here’s where I’m going tell you the secret that most women don’t know about men and love. And it has to do with keeping things going strong once “the honeymoon stage” is over.

Men have a dark secret they won’t tell you about their views on love. And for most men, they couldn’t even tell you if they wanted to, because they don’t even know it about themselves. It’s also something that most women can’t understand about men. I know you’ve wondered about it in the past and even said it to yourself. Well, you were right. Most men know about 1,000 times less than you do about real lasting love. About communicating about love, experiencing it, sharing it, feeling it intensely, keeping it going… all of it. And hey, maybe that wasn’t such a secret to you… but you’re finally hearing it from the horse’s mouth here. (a man)

Seriously though – we can be idiots when it comes to being open and close partners in long term relationships. We don’t understand some of the things that seem natural, intuitive and obvious to most women.
And we often stop paying attention to the important aspects of a relationship, including consistent and communication, affection, honesty, you name it. I see it all around me, and sometimes within myself too, as a man. But the reality is that this is just the tip of the iceberg.

Here’s the thing…

Some men weren’t brought up with a real clear idea of what else there is to love for them besides passion, sex, social status and maybe having a family. Which leads me to another secret about men in love. Deep down, men expect love to stay in the “honeymoon stage”.

Think about it.

For lots of men, the honeymoon stage IS the only part of love they’ve ever even thought about or identified as being something they really truly want. I’m talking about the chemistry, the attention and the ATTRACTION here that so often drives men CRAZY and has them acting in ways they’d be embarrassed for their guy friends to know about. That’s why, for so many men, when the “honeymoon stuff” isn’t new anymore, they think love and passion have all but disappeared.

And the truth is, for lots of men, they don’t know what else love is about so they start to think that maybe this really isn’t what they thought it was. Men at this stage often say things like:

“I guess she’s NOT the one.”

Or…

“I love her, but I’m not IN LOVE with her anymore…”

Or…

“She’s not the person she used to be when we met, and that ‘spark’ is gone.”

A LOT of this can be chocked up to the fact that the man AND the woman aren’t feeling all the intense honeymoon “stuff” anymore. And less mature, non-committal men don’t plain DON’T KNOW what is “supposed” to happen, and how it works as love moves into the bonding stage. And they often end up making terrible or disappointing boyfriends or companions. Scary, huh?